Eleanor’s journal entries 25

John helped me to put the room back to rights after the storm of emotions settled. It had caused a slight bit of untidiness in the space… and I was and ever will be one for neatness and keeping things in their proper place! My many years of trying to maintain a semblance of order and balance have engrained it into my nature!
The display had caused us both some weariness and we collapsed on the sofa. For some reason, I was far more relaxed than ever I could remember? I had spent much of my life in a state of tenseness and unease, always waiting, wondering and trying to prepare for what might befall me next? Now, it was as though that heaviest of weight was lifted… at least temporarily. For the first time ever, I stretched out upon the sofa, removed my shoes and even stretched my toes! I lay there, forgetting about proper ladylike behavior with my head on John’s lap as he leaned back against the cushions. His hands ran softly through my hair and I felt him pulling the pins out to let my hair fall down. He laughed to himself and mentioned, “tis these hair pins that most likely cause your headaches Eleanor! It’s wonder you are not in constant pain with your hair bound up so tight all of the time?”
His fingers burrowed into my hair to massage my head…. I swear I heard myself making the oddest sounds? Much like a cat purring in contenment? My scalp tingled where he touched and I had never before felt so incredibly eased! I began to wonder if he wasn’t right about my hair pins! Not that I would give them up easily… but for now, it was quite pleasant to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed. John continued with his personal remedy for my headache and thought outloud, “I think you much needed that release of your emotions! Sometimes, it is benefitial? In your attempts to balance and hold control, you caused yourself even more unbalance on the inside!”
As he played with my hair, he went on, “I have done much the same myself in trying to control my inner being? Fortunately for me, I had opportunities to release the tensions upon the battle field and the training grounds… place where I was able to let go of some of the control? You’ve had no such safe place to release your energies!”
I sighed and had to agree with him as his hands moved on to my shoulders, contiued their strokes of calm causing my body to feel as if it were melting? I could feel the years of discomfort fading away. He spoke in a rythmic tone as if hypnotizing me…”Ahhhh My Eleanor, are you relaxed enough now to focus on the rest of the words I should tell you?”
I murmured something… not even sure quite what I was agreeing to? I stared up into his eyes and felt a tingle in my head as his thoughts wrapped around mine and held my attention. I could not say for certain whether he was speaking out loud to me, or he was within my head sharing his thoughts? Truthfully, it matters not how he shared it! He had my complete attention, my mind was focused only on what he was telling me.
He told me of those ancient powers, those beliefs, and of all of those beings throughout the world who shared in the beliefs? He spoke to me of distant worlds and people far away in time and space. He painted a picture of natures creations balanced in time… and he showed me a world where all matter of beings lived together in peace. He spoke of stars in the sky, of time unending… not as line but as a wheel or circle with spokes interconnecting and weaving time around itself? His voice grew softer as he told me of the light within each of us ever searching and reaching for the one that would equal it, balance it and cause an ever brighter light together? He told me of a place beyond us in the heavens out there where we all began and would return to when our lessons, our destinies here were fullfilled. In that other place, our futures, our destinies were written in those stars. We took our places upon the circle of time and came to this world to learn the lessons that could only be learned here in a world of imperfect discord? Sometimes, we were lucky, the fates shine on us and blessed us? Other time, we must repay those blessings by learning harsher, more difficult lessons of life.
When he spoke of this, I was suddenly reminded of something I had heard before? As a small child I had heard someone speak of something similar…about the wheel of life being in one’s favor for the time, but it would surely turn again and one should be prepared for the turns? I had heard a conversation about such a wheel of time in the sky but I could not remember who had been speaking?
John must have sensed the memory tugging at me. He guided my thoughts gently to the edges of that time and place and whispered, “Go closer to that time and place, it will come clearer? I will be with you, it is nothing now but a memory, it will not cause you harm?”

I hesitated for a moment, not being sure how to do it? He nudged my thoughts, “Don’t think, just go to it or let it come to you.”
I closed my eyes and was once again that very small child… I was sitting in a room full of Ladies. I knew them all, among them was my Mother, who was much involved in deep conversation with another woman. They paid no attention to me, a tiny quiet thing barely out of the cradle! I was content to sit at my Mother’s feet and play with a basket of brightly colored beads. I knew this other woman… she was a close friend of my Mother’s? The woman was Jaquetta Woodville, and we were in her private chambers at the court of her daughter, Elizabeth York. My Mother was wispering a warning to Jaquetta about the dire accusations being directed at her. Jaquetta had whispered her own reassurance back to my Mother about the wheel turning against her? She had made a sign with her finger to depict the circle turning and then told Mother not to be troubled, that she was prepared for this turn? I did not understand much of it, but knew enough to be fearful of the things they spoke of… They talked in guarded hushed whispers of Jaquetta’s daughter and her ride on the up side of the wheel coming to an end? Jaquetta’s voice was sad but calm as she mentioned that she had tried to warn Elizabeth but she would not listen? The talk then turned to words which I had not heard of before, did not know the meanings of yet other than the words of burning and flames? There were words of sorcery and witchery, treason and heretics?
Their words, though I was not sure of the meanings, scared me. I felt their fears and their pain and began to fret. My Mother finally remembered I was there and reached a hand down to comfort me. I felt the worry in her hand though and started to cry. Jaquetta reached for me and I felt a calm wash through me? She held me in her arms, rocking me and whispering, “Hush little one, I know you feel too much… put this out of your thoughts, it is not for you to fret about…”
I was soothed by her lulling thoughts and drifted into a light slumber but heard their speaking other things, such as my Mother’s fears for me? My Mother spoke of her frustrations in guiding me and raising me. She voiced her worries that perhaps she could not do this task? Jaquetts had reassured her in this, “Of course you can do this! She is a babe like any other. Some are easy, some are more of a trial? You have yearned for a child to care for and now you have one. Thank the stars and the wheel for giving you this chance, even if it tis just for a short while? We never know what the next turn will bring!”

The conversation faded as did my time there reliving it. I returned to the present with a memory of those two women wrapping me within their arms together as though to protect me from the unknowns of the wheel. I could still feel their warmth, their heartbeats surrounding me and I felt the child like sleep overtaking me.

One thought on “Eleanor’s journal entries 25

  1. Pingback: Eleanor’s journal entries 25 | Lady Eleanor DeGuille's private journal

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